Five down, four to go.


The way I figure it, I have about four “lives” left. Who said only cats had nine lives? When I was 7 I tried to hang myself on our monkey bars. With a rope. Around my neck. With a barrel underneath me that I was rolling on. That’s right. I was going to hang myself, but I didn’t know it. I was playing. I thought it would be fun for some sadistic reason. I wonder what part of… “I’m about to hang myself and die” that I did not understand?? Good thing “Mother Hen” looked out the window and yelled… “Rachel!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” And good thing I didn’t get scared when she did and fall off the barrel…………………….. <gulp.> It was a blue barrel. And yellow monkey bars with the paint chipping off. I had just finished eating a wasp that my sister dared me eat. Maybe I felt I had already accomplished all that I was to be in life. I don’t know, but I remember it vividly. Come to find out, after the “incident” I went on to eat Bolo dog food too so there WAS more to life! Yes indeed, a full life lay ahead.

So, I went on a few more years accident-free until the “cow” incident. If you haven’t already, you can read about that here.
Long story short, I got trampled by a cow at the age of 9. But you should read it for yourself, and if it that story doesn’t make you cry, you should pluck a nose hair out.

So….once again. I lived to tell the tale. Or would that be “tail?”  As in cow…. tail……………Oh, never mind….

I get on up into my senior high years and my friend tried to kill me. She did! Her name is Shannon and she tried to kill me at least twice. Once on Huntington hill she dobbed the car off in the ditch when a freak snow-storm hit. She backed up traffic for 10 miles each direction. Including the school bus on one side and my mom on the other. When I topped the hill walking, my mom just stared. I had black mascara running down my face. My mom pretended she did not know me and we continued walking on by to her aunt’s house.

And then there was the time that we were chasing some boys in the same car. There was also a school bus involved this time as well. We were going down a gravel road, chasing the bus and hollerin’ out the windows to the boys in the back of the bus. Let’s just say the car did a little fish-tail action and once again, we met face to face with the ditch. But this one was deeper. Much deeper. And my head broke the windshield. And the bus kept going. And all we could see were the boys laughing in the back window. Word got out fast in our small town that we had crashed. In about 3 minutes everyone in town who had a car had made their way out to “look” at us. My mom had to show up this time, seeing as how I could have possibly been hurt this go-round. Luckily, I was only shaken up a bit and had a headache. My mom was standing there and this guy from school comes up and yells… “Hey Kent! ( I don’t know why he called me that but he always did) Did you just bout sh*t your pants???” That was worse than the accident. I wanted to crawl under the wreckage at that point.

And so, once again, I survived, but we were never allowed to ride together in a car again. And to this day…. I still do not want to ride with her………………. she’s dangerous. Very dangerous.

So the next few years of my life were spared for the most parts with minor incidents here or there.  Until I got married. And we went on our honeymoon to Florida. We stopped off at Cocoa Beach to enjoy the ocean. I got right out in the water, not unlike that of a manatee. Ok, maybe it was more of a whale…but nonetheless, I was out there. But I noticed my new husband(shudder…)  was staying close to the beach, barely dipping his toes in. There were a handful of people out on the beach and a dude on a surf-board in the far distance. I was frolicking, splashing, singing, swimming, drifting, drifting…drifting…….. I was drifting out to sea! I look to the beach and notice a speck standing there staring at me! It was my wonderful , caring, brand-new husband! (shuddering again….)  He was just there, with a blank look on his face. Stone-cold. I kept drifting. I was waving… I was going further and further out and I could not make my way back inland. I saw where people were noticing me.  I began to panic and yell “Help! Come get me!”  But Stone-Cold , scaredy cat just stood there. Watching his new wife drift into oblivion. I remember feeling embarrassed more than anything. Embarrassed not at myself, but at the people who seen this ding-dong watching his wife getting ready to drown and doing NOTHING about it!  About that time, the surfer noticed me. Thank you Jesus. He paddled out to me and drug me on to shore. I remember my big fat rear-end on his surf-board and thinking that I should have married him instead of the coward that I divorced shortly thereafter. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that had that surfer not been there that day, I would have drown. Waves were high, crashing over me and I was panicked. Thank you Lord for sending that stranger.

That was my last major “near-death” experience.  I’ve had a few wrecks here and there, a few close-calls so I figure I have four lives left. I hope I don’t have to “use” them….

P.S. The Big Injun would have carried me over his head with one arm to the beach.

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Categories: cats, humor, life

Author:onemom4rugrats

I am Rachel. I have a skewed sense of reality and I like to live through my imagination. Unfortuntely, that has taken me down some rocky roads and I am here to share some snippets of what happens when a girl has a mind of her own.

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8 Comments on “Five down, four to go.”

  1. October 7, 2011 at 1:29 pm #

    This is great story, and I laughed pretty hard at the eating of the wasp. Something a lot of us can relate to. Thanks for sharing your story!

    P.s., it sounds like you made the right choice with your ex (shudder) husband. Lol.

  2. October 7, 2011 at 2:08 pm #

    Yes I did make the right choice. I still have nightmares about him……..eek!!! Thanks for reading!

  3. October 7, 2011 at 4:30 pm #

    Hi Rachel. I just came upon your story while cruising through the humor blogs. It was a fun read. I wrote about near-death experiences this week, also. Is that some type of omen? Yikes! Stay safe and keep writing.
    http://www.howthehelldidienduphere.wordpress.com

    • October 7, 2011 at 4:48 pm #

      Thank you!!! I’ll have to go back and read yours when I get a chance, my weekend is full, pray for my safety! LOL

  4. October 7, 2011 at 8:35 pm #

    You’re lucking that wasp didn’t sting you as it went down! I enjoyed the read and your escapades are hilarious. Thanks!

    • October 8, 2011 at 10:49 am #

      To clarify, it was a dead wasp. LOL ! Thanks for reading!

  5. October 7, 2011 at 9:24 pm #

    Good gracious! You’ve certainly been lucky. Or is that unlucky? Be safe. 🙂

  6. October 11, 2011 at 7:28 am #

    I think I’ve got a few left too! I hope so, anyway. You’ve certainly had your fair shir of “experiences”!

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