The Never Ending Snorey.


How can a Big Injun have a stumpy neck? It doesn’t calculate.

The text came in: “The doctor says my neck is stumpy.” “Do I snore a lot??”

“Yes!”

For the record, his neck isn’t stumpy. It’s manly. If a neck ever was.

But the Dr. thinks the way it is “shaped” could mean that Darling Man of Mine suffers from sleep apnea. I highly doubt it. Here is how our final words usually go:

Big Injun Man:

“Good night honey. I love you.”

One second later:

~~~~~~~~~SNOOOOORRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~~~~~~~~~~~~

After that, he sleeps all night, with a occassional little snort here or there…light snoring usually, mostly silence UNLESS he is really, really tired. To me, nothing that I would consider to be abnormal or extreme…. UNTIL *that* night.

The night that was master crafted by El Diablo himself.

The Dr. decided to send over a machine to the house to monitor the Injun’s sleep pattern and breathing and oxygen levels. A little device that hooked to his finger. This was going to be “fun.” It’s a long cord hooked to a box and you are supposed to keep your finger in it all night and hope it doesn’t come out, try not to roll over and knock the box off the bed and get a “good night’s rest.”  WRONG!!

So, we go to bed as usual and I am very excited because I know this is going to be yet another night of peaceful slumber after the first week in my life that I have slept soundly from my new-found drugs that ward off RLS in 10 years. <—-I think that was a run-on sentence or something but I can’t be sure because I typed it forever without pausing and it probably doesn’t even make sense just like this one doesn’t but maybe my “Proofreader” will catch it but probably not we shall see <gasping for air.>

Anyhow, we go to bed. “Good night Honey, I love you.” SNOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYY SNORE, SNORE. snore. S. N. O. R. E. “

Naturally I think to myself: “That’s sweet, he’s snoring. I am just thankful that I have someone next to me to snore. I could be alone….with no one, and wishing someone were snoring…” “SNORT!!!!”

I begin to drift off. “What in the cat-hair was that???” It sounded like a horn! “HONNNKKKKKKKKKKKKK!  Honk honk!!!!”

I got up and looked out the window, and I heard the “honk” again. This time it was coming from the bed. My husband, with his manly neck, was honking. And then he stopped. “OK good, now I can sleep.” I was drifting off, sweet-sweet sleep. Slumbering as if I were floating on a soft, buttery cloud…just me… and my cat…my cat , my sweet, fur-ball, purring…purring in my ear. PURR, PURR, PURRRIIINNNGGG……PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!

Wait! “Titty-tat” doesn’t even sleep with us!

I didn’t know he had it in him. Darling Injun was purring. Not the kind of soft, pleasant, relaxing, “titty-tat” kind of purr….. oh no. More of a “My motor on my Harley is getting ready to blow!” “purr.”

And so I kicked him. Oh yes I did.

And he stopped.

And I began drifting off again. But what happened next was unfathomable.

He rolled over and began to “spoon” me. “That’s sweet! He wants to spoon!” I am always pleasantly surprised when the Injun does something romantic. And so I oblige. Resting comfortably with the sound of his heartbeat next to mine. God sure knew what he was doing when he brought us together. When He created this wonderful man to love me, provide for me, spoon with me. And so I open my eyes and turn over to marvel at his innocence whilst he slumbered… and the entire room was BLUE! FLASHING BLUE DOTS!

The machine had picked up both of our oxygen levels and was now going ballistic. Not really. I just made that up. But, it was flashing blue dots all over the room. And so I set up to look at the machine, so as to “will” it to stop flashing. It didn’t listen.

“SNORE.”

“HONK.”

“PURR.”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!”

You can take your “spoon” and your “honk” and shove em!! I took my pillow and covered my head. The flashing blue disco ball on my ceiling shone through and the snoring became more intense. I had never, ever heard anything like it in our married years. I tried rolling the giant man, I tried kicking the large human being, I even began praying to God. “Please, God. Please.” But on this fateful night, God had other plans for me. They involved the couch at around 2 a.m.

First time in our married lives I ever “went to the couch.” Either of us for that matter. It was pure bliss.

The next morning I walked into the room, and the most Darling Injun ever met me with a smile. He’s like that in the mornings. He smiles. I do not. I did not. I glared. GLARED. And he was frightened. Rightfully so. And then he BURST into laughter! He knew. In the midst of his snoring, he had never entered into REM. He was on edge all night….because of the STUPID machine, because he knew he was disturbing me, but utterly exhausted. From what I hear, he ripped the machine off at 4 a.m and came to check on me, finding me peacefully asleep on the couch.

Since that “ugly” night, we went back to normal. Only a occassional snort here or there. Nothing I cannot handle. Actually, no more than I snore. So I can’t say a word.

We cannot wait to hear the results of this “test” and if the Dr. says he needs a CPAP machine , they can keep it. Because we slept better before we “thought” there was something wrong to begin with! I wish I had not answered “Yes” to that text.  I did not realize how much he had been sparing me of the potential snoring. I lost an entire night of sleep for nothing.

 

 

Please note: My site is still undergoing “construction,” my apologies for the “mess.”

 

 

 

 

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Categories: health, humor, marriage

Author:onemom4rugrats

I am Rachel. I have a skewed sense of reality and I like to live through my imagination. Unfortuntely, that has taken me down some rocky roads and I am here to share some snippets of what happens when a girl has a mind of her own.

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One Comment on “The Never Ending Snorey.”

  1. September 3, 2011 at 5:07 am #

    My husband does have sleep apnea and there’s no mistaking it. He stops breathing regularly and has always snored like crazy. If I didn’t fall asleep before him, he was in for a rough night. I’m not ashamed to say I’ve kicked, shoved, and jostled him just to STOP THE SNORING, for the love of God and all that is holy. I need my sleep. I’ve ended up on the couch a lot.

    He, however, refuses to use a CPAP machine and I can’t blame him. How anyone gets any sleep while wearing that thing is beyond me.

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