Myself & Banana Seat Bicycle vs Mad Cow.


The following short story is a true account. The names have not been protected because it is about myself and a maniacal cow or bovine if you will.

It goes a lil’ something like this….

Rachel” my mom hollers on my 9th birthday…. “Go out to the smokehouse and get me some corn out of the freezer.”  I think to myself… “Oh great, I have to go out to that ol’ stinky building where mom stuffed that slippery, polyester horse-head shirt in a hole in the floor dad wore every single day.” So I trek across our yard to the old building and open the creepy door only to find a SHINY brand new, baby-blue, banana-seat bicycle!  Whilst the corn continued to lay dormant in the freezer I was off down the rocky, pot-holed, bumpy road on my brand new ride. Life was good.

As I am riding along I am singing to the top of my lungs as I often did but minus the hairbrush on this particular adventure. I fly past the bacon that my sister and I threw in the ditch that previous morning on the way to catch the bus at the cross-roads and am thinking that I hope a varmint gets it before mom sees it…

Suddenly as I round the bend right in front of my house where our driveway meets our neighbors… I hear a loud noise…. “THUD…CLOMP…THUD…CLOMP…” It continues to grow louder by the second and when I finally look up I see IT.

Coincidentally at approximately the same time my mom and sister decide to peek out the window of our log cabin to see how I am enjoying my new ride. What they find is not myself flying down the road singing on my shiny new bike…. they find me on the ground, laying beside my beloved new bicycle and a crazed, deranged, stark-raving MAD cow jumping up and down on my once intact elongated banana seat. As they make their way across the long yard towards the road, the cow decides to turn his attention from the bicycle to myself. I’m laying there paralyzed with fear as he makes his way to me and proceeds to do the “Texas two-step” on my hand. Fortunately for myself that was the only part of me he landed on. 

By this time my mom is hollering and rushing the cow and it runs off down past the bacon and down the road. My sister is laughing. Hysterically.  As I am bawling, the tears leave a little creek-bed down my dirty face. Mom is pretty much speechless and my dad has now made his way out. I get up, dust myself off, mom checks my hands only to find a busted blood-vein. I had survived. My bike however was a mangled mess.

Immediately my dad goes to my neighbor who owns the maniacal cow and demands that it be found and “done away with.” So, the team of men head out (again passing the bacon in the ditch) and hours later locate the bovine in question.

The best I can recall is that it was pretty crazy with them and they had to end up shooting it but I could be wrong as my memory is still foggy of that day.

My dad fixed my bike, my mom found the bacon later on when  and never cooked us breakfast….ever again. Ever.

The End.

Tags: , ,

Categories: children, funny, parenting, Uncategorized


I am Rachel. I have a skewed sense of reality and I like to live through my imagination. Unfortuntely, that has taken me down some rocky roads and I am here to share some snippets of what happens when a girl has a mind of her own.

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6 Comments on “Myself & Banana Seat Bicycle vs Mad Cow.”

  1. January 31, 2011 at 4:55 am #

    ROFLOL The bacon is the best part. you’re killin me!!!

  2. Christi Stavely
    February 1, 2011 at 4:02 pm #

    This is hilarious! I hope y’all at least profited a few steaks from the deal, just for your trauma!

  3. lifewith4cats
    May 14, 2011 at 12:29 am #

    You see?! I knew I was right to be very afraid of cows! I said so once on my blog and people had a ball making fun of me for it.


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